I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.'' - Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes. - Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' - Rita Rudner
I like men who wear earrings. They've bought jewelry and they've experienced pain. - Rita Rudner
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. - Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. - Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping. - Rita Rudner
Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. - Rita Rudner
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. - Rita Rudner
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. - Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. - Rita Rudner
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. - Rita Rudner
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. - Rita Rudner